As I walked through the store earlier this week, I noticed Easter candy and egg coloring displays all over the place. Holidays like this, most associate with happy memories of childhood. Similar to Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc, etc. However, today, as like every other time I think about such things, I felt as sense of sadness. When I envision kids having fun engaging in these activities, I smile for them, all while I'm unable to remember any such happy memories. Is it that I never truly had fun doing these things? Or was my childhood so forgetful as a whole that the good memories I have are stained by the overwhelming disappointment of it?
On a related note, One of the worst "happy-childhood-memory days was Valentines Days. This day is one in that it gives you a clear idea of what others think about you. You had those kids who got ass-loads of valentines and then you had kids who got few, like me. I feared this day because it only served to remind me what consummate outsider I was. I'm serious here, I dreaded it! It was a day when you knew full well before hand, you were going to be reminded just how unpopular you are. You knew it was going to happen and there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it. Fuck, I hate thinking about this stuff, it just makes me even more sad.
Some thoughts about my battle with depression: Some days when it lays into me but good, I'll feel like crying out of the blue. While sometimes in the past, I would tear up a bit, I will not permit myself to do it anymore. Crying seems to be a good way to release some of the pain, but for some fucked up reason I feel as though I deserve this suffering and should not be able to escape it. Funny thing, this depression is.....When it's kicking my arse, i feel like there's no hope in any thing, nothings going to work out. Every thing's bad , pointless. However, after it passes, it's just the total opposite. Weird shit....
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