This probably won't make much sense to you, but one of the reason I wish I didn't like anime so much is that I always encounter character who are dealing with situations that I can REALLY relate to. Tonite I watched ep. 23 of Toradora. In it Minorin comfronts Taiga about not facing her true feelings, which she does not. Earlier in the show, Taiga says to Ryuuji that she can't recognize herself at the momment and that she can't think about the future because she's not sure what she wants to do right now. These things, in part, describe me to a "T". I've gone through some major changes in the last few years. I'm a lot "healthier" mentaly now, but it seems like I know less who I am. For so long I just sorta existed, I never thought about the future, where I was headed, where I wanted to go anything. I just got up, went to school, work, whatever. Just doing the kind of things that I thought were expected of me. I lived and behaved as a person who was rather innocuous. Never acted up or out. Never spoke my opinion. I "flew below the radar", I was invisable. I put up this wall around myself to protect myself from being hurt. I didn't let anyone in. All it accomplished was it made me very lonely. I have managed to knock the wall down a bit, but the lonely, empty saddness is still there and will probably always be. I have severly beaten myself down using my hatred of my existence as weapon. Some days I look in the mirror and ask myself why I didn't pull the trigger all those years ago when I had the chance and just ended it. I feel like all this emotional pain, the saddness, the lonelyness, all this crap is what I deserve. It's my penance for who I am. How fucked up is that?
I guess this is what I'm trying to say: For years I was somebody I really wasn't, but I didn't care, it was safe. Now, I realize that person was a fake, but I'm not sure who I am, or worse, who I'm supposed to be. I don't know what to do, where to go....... I'm scared. I'm terrified of making the wrong move. I wish I had a hand I could grab on to. Someone to help steady me. I can't reach out. I'm afraid I will be rejected. So I just stand here, arms wrapped around myself, alone, feeling like I'm slowly dying inside.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment