Was my childhood really as bad as I remember it?

As I walked through the store earlier this week, I noticed Easter candy and egg coloring displays all over the place. Holidays like this, most associate with happy memories of childhood. Similar to Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc, etc. However, today, as like every other time I think about such things, I felt as sense of sadness. When I envision kids having fun engaging in these activities, I smile for them, all while I'm unable to remember any such happy memories. Is it that I never truly had fun doing these things? Or was my childhood so forgetful as a whole that the good memories I have are stained by the overwhelming disappointment of it?

On a related note, One of the worst "happy-childhood-memory days was Valentines Days. This day is one in that it gives you a clear idea of what others think about you. You had those kids who got ass-loads of valentines and then you had kids who got few, like me. I feared this day because it only served to remind me what consummate outsider I was. I'm serious here, I dreaded it! It was a day when you knew full well before hand, you were going to be reminded just how unpopular you are. You knew it was going to happen and there wasn't a damn thing you could do about it. Fuck, I hate thinking about this stuff, it just makes me even more sad.

Some thoughts about my battle with depression: Some days when it lays into me but good, I'll feel like crying out of the blue. While sometimes in the past, I would tear up a bit, I will not permit myself to do it anymore. Crying seems to be a good way to release some of the pain, but for some fucked up reason I feel as though I deserve this suffering and should not be able to escape it. Funny thing, this depression is.....When it's kicking my arse, i feel like there's no hope in any thing, nothings going to work out. Every thing's bad , pointless. However, after it passes, it's just the total opposite. Weird shit....

I'm shedding a tear......

Damn, I'm bummin'. So many of the anime titles I've been enjoying are coming to an end. First and foremost being Toradora. The final was released tonight. Then there's Rideback, Casshan Sins, Clannad-after story, To aru majitsu no Index. Man, an I gonna miss my weekly Toradora fix. TAIGA!!!!! Although my fav female of the show is Ami Kawashima. There's this,....I don't know,...sorta saddness to her character. Being some sort of famous model, she sees what fun the others have as "normal" high-schoolers and maybe she's sad because she didn't get to exerience those kind of things...... Whatever, it's done so I'm off!

P.S. I'm going to take the hit and order the trans parts tomorrow. The total to fix it is going to run about $330........Goddammit. The upside is that the 1st Speedrift event is going to be a D1 Underground event!!!! Fuck yeah!

Well, that was really bittersweet. The final ep of Toradora was great, but I'm sad that there will be no more. TAIGA! COME BACK!!

When it rains, it pours......

Today I thought it'd be best to check out the gear that was involved in the broken teeth on the afore mentioned Cluster Gear in my trans. Good thing I did. The teeth showed some pitting when I rebuilt the trans, but I found some additional damage that was probably caused when the teeth were busted off the Cluster, as well I noticed a hairline crack across the end of one of the teeth on the 1st gear. This part is $105 new, the Cluster is $165. These plus some additional pieces will total $300 to get the trans back together. Including the re-designed breather system, I'm looking at $460 to get the car done. This fucking sucks. This is the way last year started as well. Then, the car went over budget and I was forced to tap into money I'd set aside for travel expenses and entry fees, which lead to my being able to run fewer events. This trans breakage issue looks to have the same effect on this year. Before I found the second damaged part, I was all ready thinking on passing on the first out-state event in may. Now it all most definitely will not be happening. If only I was better looking. I'd be willing to sell my body by "entertaining" older lonely women for cash. You know, like a male prostitute.......

Two words: God. Dammit.

Here's a shot of the part that really was the cause of my noise that came about during my final pass at the Yuletide Slide in N.C. This is the Cluster Gear from a B/W Super T-10. At the top of the gear you can see the broken teeth and at the bottom you can see the few pieces that didn't get disintegrated during the cam break in. I didn't discover the trans was the culprit until I started the engine for said break-in and once you start the break-in, you don't shut the engine down unless you absolutely have to. So we got to listen to the noise banging away for 30 minutes. That's just my luck, I get the engine back up and running and I have to pull the damn tranny......... Will I ever get to drive this thing again!

Ouch, That hurt.....

In the latest issue of OTAKU USA, there is an article about "Moe". Moe is kinda hard to explain, it means different things to everybody. You could google it if you feel so inclined. Sorry, to get back on track, Daryl Surat started his take on it with: "To understand you have to be an otaku(reference to an anime fan...). You've got to be in your teens to late 20's and up, socially and emotionally handicapped, and your romantic experience with the opposite sex is so non-existent that even The 40-Year-Old Virgin was more experienced than you growing up. The time you were SUPPOSED to spend learning how to bond with people was devoted to otaku pursuits instead.'
'Though fully grown, mentally you're a kid. And yet, every few seconds your DNA cries out that you desperately need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, be with. It's mostly not a sex thing, really. But rationally speaking, you know you'll never get any of these things. After all, just holding down a job stretches the limit of your social abilities."
He never really says why "Moe" is a bad thing, although, he makes it VERY clear he hates it. Pffft,Hater.... Anyways, He concluded that fans of Moe are the kind of people previously described. What cut so badly was that he characterizes these people as, well, losers. That and the fact that his description actually fits me rather well. I'm not bothered by Moe. I'm rather indifferent about it. Sure, hyper-cute girls make neat eye-candy, but I could take 'em or leave 'em, as long as the story is good, who cares?.... Some of what he says doesn't apply to me. I didn't get into anime until after I was already socially and emotionally damaged. I'd like to reply to them with a clever, witty letter, if I can come up with something fitting....

On a somewhat related note, I've decided that if I ever get a tatoo, it's going to be of the catgirl image used for the header background. I don't know who the artist is, but it's just about my favorite out of the hundreds of catgirl images I've collected off the internet. In all reality, it'll probably never happen though.

Can't a brotha get a break?....

I'm still reeling from the downer attitude brought on by yesterday's post. The failure of todays effort to get my car done only made it worse. I'd intended to get the cam broken in and the car back up and running, and maybe even taken it for a test run. But it didn't happen. The valve covers I'd been using are to short for roller rockers. I have some that are taller, but require adapters to install. The only problem is the adapters wont fit between the roller rockers. So today was a no-go. It is full of coolant and the oil for break in, as well is the timming set. I just have to wait yet another week. All I want to do is drive my car. It seems like this car is the only bright spot in my life and you can imagine how well that's going what with it being broken.......

If I stopped watching anime, I'd probably kill myself......

This probably won't make much sense to you, but one of the reason I wish I didn't like anime so much is that I always encounter character who are dealing with situations that I can REALLY relate to. Tonite I watched ep. 23 of Toradora. In it Minorin comfronts Taiga about not facing her true feelings, which she does not. Earlier in the show, Taiga says to Ryuuji that she can't recognize herself at the momment and that she can't think about the future because she's not sure what she wants to do right now. These things, in part, describe me to a "T". I've gone through some major changes in the last few years. I'm a lot "healthier" mentaly now, but it seems like I know less who I am. For so long I just sorta existed, I never thought about the future, where I was headed, where I wanted to go anything. I just got up, went to school, work, whatever. Just doing the kind of things that I thought were expected of me. I lived and behaved as a person who was rather innocuous. Never acted up or out. Never spoke my opinion. I "flew below the radar", I was invisable. I put up this wall around myself to protect myself from being hurt. I didn't let anyone in. All it accomplished was it made me very lonely. I have managed to knock the wall down a bit, but the lonely, empty saddness is still there and will probably always be. I have severly beaten myself down using my hatred of my existence as weapon. Some days I look in the mirror and ask myself why I didn't pull the trigger all those years ago when I had the chance and just ended it. I feel like all this emotional pain, the saddness, the lonelyness, all this crap is what I deserve. It's my penance for who I am. How fucked up is that?
I guess this is what I'm trying to say: For years I was somebody I really wasn't, but I didn't care, it was safe. Now, I realize that person was a fake, but I'm not sure who I am, or worse, who I'm supposed to be. I don't know what to do, where to go....... I'm scared. I'm terrified of making the wrong move. I wish I had a hand I could grab on to. Someone to help steady me. I can't reach out. I'm afraid I will be rejected. So I just stand here, arms wrapped around myself, alone, feeling like I'm slowly dying inside.

Anticipation.....

Yesterday, I finally got the car back together. The larger, thicker radiator is in, as well is the hi-flow water pump. The rad. mounts required a bit of modifying, because of the increased thickness, but it was no big deal. The shiny radiator is about all there is to see in the photo. Next weekend I'll fill the coolant, break-in the cam, and change to synthetic after the break-in. At that point, the car will be back to level after the Dec. disaster @ the yuletide slide in N.C. While it won't be done, it will be drivable! This is where the Anticipation part comes in. I've been "dying" to get behind the wheel and take it for a spin. Owning a toy like this is SO DAMN cool! Just tooling around, behaving myself, listening to the exhaust note is so relaxing. It's been so hard dealing with the fact that my "baby" was unwell. I've been "jonesing" for an acceleration fix! With the better cam, heads, and roller rockers, it's gonna be a rush to try it out! I'm hoping that the weather will cooperate, so I can take it out for a spin. I can't wait to yank the hand brake! The first event is still two months away and it's all I think about anymore...

Oil Companies are a bunch of Rotten Mother Fuckers

Lets see....Job losses continue, check. Economy still on the slide, check. Stock market wavering, check. Oil prices on the rise, check. CHECK?, Wait a minute, What the Fuck! Let me see if I've got this correct. Gas consumption is down, as is the economy across the board, but gas prices are on the rise? Bullshit, pure bullshit. Those fucking thieving fuck wads are at it again. It is my contention that the oil companies are influencing the price of oil. Can I prove it? No, I can't. But then again, even if I could they would dance their way out of any trouble they got in. Remember how they danced their way out of the Senate hearings last summer? You know how they were called before the senate to explain themselves and they trotted out the bullshit excuse about the reason for record profits was from "other" ventures? What other venture, with the economy we had last summer will ,make you THAT kind of money?! That venture is called gas. While people love to say that oil is best buds with the republicans, did you notice the dems bought their B/S as well? Oil gives money to all of them, do you think they're that stupid? Think of it as protection money....They said it was the exploding economy in China. Has China stopped making all of our crap? Has their demand for oil dropped? No. Commodity traders are an easily spooked bunch to begin with. A camel farts in Saudi Arabia and the price of oil goes up. They're like a flock of birds. One spooks, shoots off in a different direction and the rest follow. A few traders who are in the pay of the oil clowns could influence the price much in the same way. They aren't so dumb as to control, but like I say, merely influence it. It still makes them money. Like I say, they're not stupid. There will be no paper trail, no smoking gun. They know what they're doing and how illegal it is. You want proof? That orphan raping vulture, T Bone Pickens, last summer said oil would rise to, like $145+ per barrel. Can you guess what happened? That's right, it did. And he made a fuck load of cash of it I bet. Capitalism is good, but corporate greed in not. Another example of this greed is the banking industry. I feel the severity of our economy is because of this greed. Their wanton raping of those who make this country as great as it is responsible for the situation we're in now. They have the country by the balls. I'm not for Government control, but after last summer I was and still am in favor of govt regulation of our oil industry. Alternative energy is an awesome idea, but you know what? I bet the oil companies will financing it from behind the curtain, and end up owning the rights to it, and will still have us by the balls in the end. I don't have all the answers, but how about de-listing oil as a traded commodity? Nope, never work. Oil's flunkies in D.C. would never let it pass. Too much money to made off the hard working people who make this country great. Fucking sperm burping gutter sluts......

I've wasted two years of my life on this?!

As I was watching an episode of Bleach, that I taped late Sayurday night, I noticed that it was episode 103. That means I've been watching this show for two years now. It's really not that great. The pacing is god-awfully slow. And the animation is pretty crappy as well. I'm sure you're asking: "If it's that bad, why watch it?" Well, I watch the tape while doing my laundry to kill time and it's worth exactly what I paid for it. Nothing. Besides I've managed to make it this far, so what the hell?
On that note there are two other animes that went on for too long as well. Naruto and Inuyasha. Naruto is widely popular for reasons unknown to me. Sometime ago Cartoon Network showed an all-day Naruto marathon on New Years. After four episodes, I could take no more. This show is AWLFUL! I mean it really fucking sucked!!! It took the art of sucking and raised it to a new level! Inuyasha, I started watching on Adult Swim as new episodes and continued when it re-ran from episode #1. This is a decent show, but after what seemed like a couple of years, I still hadn't seen any episodes twice! How many fucking episodes are there anyways?! Eventualy I gave up on it, because every episode started to look the same. I had no idea where I was in the time line of the show.
I understand that these kind of shows (those with WAY too many episodes) can't be awesome every time. You're going to see some that just plain suck. These episodes are called "fillers". Since it's still tolerable, I'm going to hang in there with Bleach. For now....

Not that any of you care, but I'm taking my flash drive to work tomorrow to load a couple of video players on my computer to watch some of the fansubs I'm going to start bringing in. The other guys get internet access that they can use to kill time, but not me. Since you can only play spider solitare so many times before you're ready go run-down a bunch of Nuns, standing at a bus stop, then blow-up an orphanage, this is how I'm going to deal with the boredom.

Some stuff for you to not care about....

I continue to do my part for our economy. I dropped $350 at SummitRacing.com for a radiator and hi-flow waterpump friday. Another $250 and the car should be back to level. This drifting is going to lead to my financial ruination. I've spent an assinine amount of money on this thing. This year's going to be a rough one, just like Pres. Obama said so. If the car hold together, I'm looking to hit 9 events this year and that's at this point. I'm sure more will be announced as the year progresses. And then there's all the tires I'm going to go through..... I'm dancing soo close to the edge right now(financially speaking), if anything major goes wrong with my car, I'll probably be done for the year.
On another front, I tore down the second of two motors my brothers roundy-rounder broke last season. This one was a rod failure, that destroyed the block, crank, cam, and seriously deformed the oil pan. At least it had some really nice heads on it that will work well on the engine for this season. There is about two months until that kicks off and there's still the engine to build, I've yet to figure out why reverse stopped working in the current tranny, as well as build a back up. Then the entire car has to be re-assembled and, time permitting, re-skin the car. As if all this wasn't enough, I need to part with some big $ for rear brake pads and rotors for the Blazer....
I did get the catgirl figure done and I'm pretty happy with it. I also got the Ryomou figure by Max Factory. Kinda small, but it does come with interchangable faces and hands, as well as being posable. I have her posed in a flying karate kick currently.