Quagmire of my existence

Today is wendsday, as you can see by the posting info at the end. I was laying in bed, around 9:00, after reading for an hour or so. I realized that, as much as I don't really what to, it'll be good to go back to work. Yesterday, I began to notice myself "stagnating". Other than hitting a couple of bookstores, in search of some new manga titles, and stopping at the grocery store, I did pretty much nothing. There are some things I'd like to acomplish this week yet and it's clear I'm going to have to "crack the whip" on myself to get them done. I need to clean the house and I'd like to finish the catgirl figure as well.
I play the lottery quite a bit and like anyone, I'd REALLY love to hit it big. However, I know that winning the lottery would be bad for me. How can I know this? There is a condition, known as "Hikikomori". According to Wikipedia, the definition is this: "Although there are occasions where the hikikomori may venture outdoors, usually at night to buy food, the Japanese Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare defines hikikomori as individuals who refuse to leave the house, and isolate themselves from society in their homes for a period exceeding six months. While the degree of the phenomenon varies depending on the individual, some youths remain in isolation for years, or in rare cases, decades." This is what would become of me if I won the lottery. And you know what? I'd love it. While a Japanese issue for the most part, being a Hikikomori, I see a lot of the traits of this condition in myself. I'm not saying it's any kind of medical condition, I'm simply using "condition" for my own reference to it. If it wern't for needing to work, in order to pay bills, I'd never go outside. Not in the day anyways. When I go to the store or run errands, I prefer to go early or late, when there's far fewer people around.
Dealing with people brings me untold amounts of stress and anxiety. I prefer the saftey and comfort bottled up inside the house. I believe a lot of this manifests itself from the caustic mix of low(low? try non-existent) self-esteem, shyness, being very reserved, along with Depression. Leaving me full of self-loathing and feeling like I don't belong and don't deserve to. I don't mention any of this to my family, because they've enough on their own plates. I know they would drop what they're doing to help me, but I don't want to trouble them. This is the way I've always done things. Not wanting to be a bother, not wanting to inconvienince others. Prefering to try to deal with it on my own(more like ignoring). On the other hand, this very behavior is probably why I've become such an emotional and pschycological(?) train wreck.
One might think that others would surely see signs of my suffering. Maybe with others, but I'm too smart for my own good. Over the years I've developed the ability to "fly below the radar". I've been like this for so long that others see this facade I put on as who I really am. You know, smiling on the outside, but dying on the inside.
Some years ago, I had a brush with suicide. As much as reliving that momment scares me, I think that one day it will win out in the end. I can clearly envision the day when I will get up one day and ,simply, not want to do this anymore. The only thing that keeps me believing in God, is my desire for there to really be an afterlife and it has to be better than being here.